when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
