Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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