sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
