Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
