I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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