So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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