I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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