tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just threw up on my dentist
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
