I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
