I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
