Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
