I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
