I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
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Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
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I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
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