Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
