I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
