I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
