i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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