Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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