my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
