I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
