he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
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I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
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My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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