I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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