I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
