What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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