I wish I could teleport
I think im going to throw up on grandma
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
