The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
