don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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