Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
