i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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