Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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