1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
