Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's never too late to be topless.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
