i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
