I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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