my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Randomize
