dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
