Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
