I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You left your phone here
Wait...
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