At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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