You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
