The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
