Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
