I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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