tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
