There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
