So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
