If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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