Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
