what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Randomize
