***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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