did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
