Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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