there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
