It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
