I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You were trust falling into bushes
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
