On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
