we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
