saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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