I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
