I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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