I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
