She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
