My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm both gender and math confused
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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