do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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