when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.