ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
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Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
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I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.