So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
